A classic moment from the Oscars, when Paul Hogan tries to get the audience to relax.
A bit late for Friday funnies, as its now the early hours of Saturday here in Australia. Thought I would share some classic Hoges comedy. Is bicycle riding really dangerous? Watch and see.
With an alien interviewing our four humans about sex, things were bound to get a bit interesting. It was their reactions that left some red faced…others with a blood nose.
Scene setting : Elissa’s apartment – Gantz Series.
Co-written with Chor, Temp and VunG.
Razorbackwriter: With all that was going on, and everyone speaking at different intervals with their own pieces of the puzzle, plus some unwanted attention from inquisitive alien fluffy thing, Tommy forgot what he was. The reporter side of him would have been scribbling down everything being said, including the incredulous tale of the alien and how Isolde and Frank happened to meet her. Instead, however, he felt Elissa’s hand rest on his. Just by this subtle movement beneath the table was enough to take Tommy’s attention off the others in the room, and focus on the girl at his side. He could see in her eyes that there were traces of fear. It was unmistakable. The last thing Tommy ever wanted Elissa to feel, was like that when in his company. This really brought out the protective streak in the reporter, and he showed her that same smile he had earlier, as though he didn’t want her to forget that he was here for her….and her alone. A light squeeze of her thigh would also let her know that he wasn’t going anywhere. Work…could wait.
But back to the trio with their apologies, and stories. First of all, Frank – who was looking like a kid in a lolly shop every time he glanced at the fluffy tail that was swinging back and forth behind Princess Xillia. Tommy was still mad at Frank, and even more annoyed that he would even consider taking his life.
“You’ve got a son, man. That kid needs a father. Don’t ever do something so selfish like that ever again.”
“No, you should have told Elissa why you were going, the fact Isa called you. Not leave her hanging like you did.” There was a gruffness in his voice, as you could clearly see, that he didn’t like Elissa being upset, and she had made that abundantly clear.
“Elissa….Tommy. Really, I am sorry. My head was in the wrong place.”
“It was firmly wedged up your arse.”
The two men stared at each other for a moment, before you could see that they had an understanding. Hell, Tommy would walk across fire for his friend, but he cared for Elissa too much to not want to make it plain that he thought Frank needed to grow up. Or at least start taking responsibility for his actions. He’d been babied long enough over Rory.
While Tommy read Frank the riot act, he may not have noticed but the detective was moving closer to Isolde. At one point he put his arm around her and he almost looked embarrassed when she tried to take the fall for what really was his fault. He really couldn’t fault her. To him, Isolde was perfect. Even if she was wearing Missy’s hoody. She sure as hell rocked the white soccer shorts a lot better too. Frank even leaned back to check that ass again, only to draw back fast and then smile at her, like…“No…I wasn’t just checking out your tush.”
Once Elissa explained more about how they met Xillia, or Princess Fluffy as he liked to call her, Frank nodded enthusiastically. “She’s more friendly than my ex mother’n’law’s cat. Though…I don’t quite get her interest in you two having sex again.” Frank then realized what he had said, and his face when beetroot red, as Tommy glared at him menacingly.
“I swear….I don’t know how she knew. Not like you guys reek of it. I mean….sure we saw the big pash when we arrived.”
“And….time for me to shut up.”
Tommy rolled his eyes, but then he noticed Elissa was pinching herself. Wondering if this was all a dream. He leaned in and said. “This is too weird to not be a dream, El.” The reporter glanced at the Kitty girl who was again hopeful for an encore. He just shook his head. Not in a million years would he ever entertain the idea of having an audience. What he and Elissa had was so very new and to him, very private.
With Elissa presenting on paper what she wanted to say about how she understood that the two – Frank and Isa just so happened to stumble upon the Fluffy Princess with voyeuristic tendencies. Elissa used bigger words, but everyone got the guest of it. Frank nodded slowly, still trying not to put his foot in his mouth again. He’d done quite enough of that. As the note went around with her introduction, Tommy coughed slightly and added. “Tommy Xo. I’m Elissa’s boyfriend.” he shot Elissa a quick look followed by a wink, then back at all the others. “It’s official as of now.”
Temp: Xillia continued to bounce her eyes back and forth between the four humans curiously. Some of their phrases didn’t quite make sense to her, but she tried her best to understand them. Everything she had learned about humans was clearly not sufficient. She hoped that these humans would be kind enough to help her understand. The one thing that was making her confused was the woman named Elissa’s method of communication. Unlike the other humans she had encountered who spoke their words, Elissa wrote hers down. Why was that? And why were these two males being so rude to each other? What is a boyfriend? HOW DO HUMANS MATE!? It was all so frustrating! There were so many things she wanted to know, and so many things she wanted to see. “I’m pleased to meet you all. I do hope that I’m not being an inconvenience.” She knew that she had interrupted Tommy and Elissa’s mating ritual, but she hoped they wouldn’t hold it against her. “I am very interested in learning all about you humans, and am especially curious as to how you breed! Can I perhaps witness it? Examine your bodies? I mean, do your methods mirror mine? Do you have the same parts as me? Ohhh…I’m so very curious!” Why was she so curious about how humans ‘got it on’? Well, it had to do with the fact that mating was a celebrated thing among her people, and was a big part of the culture. So it was natural for her to have that sort of thing on her mind. Though, these humans probably wouldn’t understand.
VunG: Elissa wouldn’t bother attempting to communicate as Tommy tore into Frank, or at least let him know what he thought of his intents and gave voice to her own concerns. The most she did was nod meaningfully to the child and ‘firmly wedged up your arse’ bits, managing to strangle off a smirk at that thought. Hopefully the detective got the point between their comments and concern… because while she was still mad as hell with him, she also still cared about him and hoped that he wouldn’t do anything stupid.
Of course, just as she thought that, she noticed that Frank seemed to be putting on the moves with Isolde. She didn’t mind the fact that he was doing it so much as she found the timing wildly inappropriate… well then again Tommy and she just fucked while there was blackmail material on their table so she supposed she wasn’t one to judge. Still, they were smack in the middle of a knock-down, drag-out meeting. With… a perplexingly horny “alien.” Yeah, unlike Tommy she wasn’t quite as put-off by Frank’s mentioning it, but she definitely found herself frowning as she tried to figure out what to do about fluffy there. Because she wasn’t acting like she was actually perverted, or at least near as she could tell, more like a really over-excited puppy trying to find out what its owners were up to. Didn’t make it any less awkward to think about, her cheeks still red as she realized how badly they’d been caught and how much maneuvering they’d need to do to wiggle out of the alien’s grasp. Tommy’s comment about it being a dream certainly got traction on her, and she scoffed a little in response, but wouldn’t show any special response until Tommy’s proclamation of them being a couple. Despite how sudden it was, she was fine with it, and winked back with a smile of her own.
When the alien began babbling on about wanting to see mating, Elissa promptly pinched her bridge again and wrote out a response, briefly scratching out a word as she went, looking up at Isolde and Frank with exasperation before looking to the alien. She couldn’t bring herself to be mean to her… though she was still cautious about her… and her absolutely ridiculous request. She wasn’t quite as shy as Tommy, but she still wasn’t anywhere near interested in exhibiting herself off for someone else; this was something between two people and she was pretty damn sure that neither of them wanted to do that. Eventually she finished and passed it. ~Xillia isn’t an inconvenience. We had been [something scratched out] not quite mating, just showing affection. At least when you came in. You simply came in suddenly and with Frank, whom we’re a little angry with, if you can’t tell. And you two, if she’s this fascinated with human sex, why have you not put on
a show some porn for her?~
Razorbackwriter: Watching Elissa scribble down what she wanted to say, Tommy leaned in for a better look. He smirked when she scribbled out part of what she was going to say, and in a way he was glad she did. The reporter really didn’t want to have their sex life becoming the talk of the conversation, especially with the overly curious Fluffy princess – who had not given up on her quest to see some human mating rituals. Xillia had been more than upfront with her desire to not only watch them mate, she also wanted to examine their bodies. Tommy reached up and clutched his collar, pulling it together as though she was going to undress him. Even at the offer of…“You show me yours and I’ll show you mine.” which brought a dropped jaw expression from Tommy.
It was when the part on the note suggested that Frank and Isolde show Xillia some porn, that Frank snapped his fingers together. “Great idea. Tommy, you got your lap top?”
Oddly enough, Tommy did have one in the side flap of his sports bag. It was for work purposes…usually.
“Yeah. Are you going to show her….”
“Porn? Sure, why not. Isolde and I aren’t…well, we haven’t…I mean don’t get me wrong, she has a great body….”
Frank and his foot. Frank with his foot in his mouth. Tommy shook his head. “Frank…get the lap top.”
The Detective gave a small salute, releasing his hold on Isolde and going over to Tommy’s bag to retrieve the lap top. He carried it over to the table nearest Xillia and opened the top. He started it up and then went straight to Google.
“Okay. So…uhm Xillia. No one here is really keen to give you a floor show, so this is the best next thing. Many human males like to use this, when they are home alone. Normally with lotion. I’ll explain that part later.”
Frank then tapped in a few more keys and found a wonderful porn site.
“This is a good one. More realistic. I use this….I mean, I heard about this one at work.” Frank’s cheeks flamed as he continued to make gaff after gaff. Suddenly the room was filled with the sounds of people going at it hard core. Wild moaning, with bed spring noises and some saucy music. A couple on the screen were doing it doggy style, and Frank beamed at Xillia. “This is a favorite way to mate. Do they do this on your planet?”
Temp: Xillia tilted her head back and forth in curiosity as the humans debated something. Apparently they wanted to show her something called ‘porn’. She had absolutely no idea what that meant or what it was, but if it had to do with human mating then who cares? She clapped her hands together excitedly and her tail wiggled back and forth frantically. It was clear that she was happy about this ‘porn’ thing. She was sure to wiggle her massive body closer to this ‘laptop’ device once she saw it, but she wasn’t sure how such a simple looking device could show her humans mating. It became a lot more clear to her what the device was once it was powered up though. It was clearly a computing device of some sorts, the likes of which were completely primitive in comparison to her own peoples. Still, if it could show her what she was so curious to see then who cares?
She scooted even closer to the table and leaned forward, putting her face quite close to the screen as this ‘porn’ stuff appeared. The sight she took in was apparently a human mating ritual, full of interesting sounds and movements. It was actually somewhat similar to how her people did such a thing, but did they all have the same parts? She leaned back and looked down at her chest, then over to Elissa and Isolde. They both had bumps on their chests like her. “Oh how interesting this is! Though, my people insist on the female being on top, as we are the dominant ones!” She nodded her head a few times rapidly in a proud fashion, clearly showing she was happy with who she was. “I am still a bit curious about something though..” With that, she went ahead and placed her hands on the top of her gown, which was basically just above her chest, and pulled it down. Her chest was completely exposed, and now that it was she turned to look at the females. “Mine are very soft, but bigger than the female in this ‘porn’…are yours similar to mine? How about you two? Are these things important to human men?” Of course, she turned her body so that the entirety of the room was able to get a clear view of her large ta’ta’s. They were actually quite similar to the human females, but they had some scaling on their outer edges. She was a rather fluffy creature indeed, but she was more like a strange reptilian creature than a feline.
Chor: Isolde, even a woman of science and great composure and standing, felt an immense heat spreading over her cheeks at the mention of her body in regards to both it’s attractiveness and being used as some sort of observatory show for the princess they’d been brought here by. Neither of which she was sure she was comfortable with. Now they were to show the creature pornography, the great and unrealistic sex ruiner of the internet? She wasn’t particularly fond of the idea, but if it pulled her attention off the mating of the four human beings in the room, Isolde was more than happy to comply. Still, she thought her collection of documentaries she technically pirated from National Geographic might serve her better. Then, the unthinkable came from Frank’s mouth and Isolde practically choked. Oh my stars… she thought, what did he just say? Isolde tried to ignore it
It was comforting to know that the alien’s culture was Matriarchal; god know this one could learn a little about respect from them. They were definitely a lot more open than humans, it seemed, and this became far more evident as the creature completely exposed her breasts. Oh, this was one for the history books. Whilst many might turn away, Isolde couldn’t. She might get an examination out of her yet. The skin was scaly, yet she was also hairy, a very interesting combo. Figuring hse knew best about the human body, Isa answered her.
“Yes, our breasts are composed of adipose tissue. In fact, in fetal development, the Y chromosome which determines the sex as male doesn’t kick in until later so essentially we all begin as women. It’s why males too are born with nipples. I suppose they are of import to some males more than others; and some females more than others,” Isolde spoke quickly and matter-of-factly, hoping the girl caught what she was saying. She often found herself repeating her sentence in a remedial manner when engaging with others in the force. It was truly tedious.
VunG: Wow, Elissa really didn’t expect that part of her suggestion to work out, actually. She had said it mostly jokingly, thinking that they would think it as her just giving them a hard time for bringing a horny alien into her home. Still, she supposed that if nobody in their group was exactly eager to give it a go in the alien’s sight, then she supposed that this was the best thing that they would get to that. Of course, even this didn’t stop Frank from making a fool of himself, and as he proceeded to attempt to compliment Isolde like a nervous teenage boy, she facepalmed and leaned forward with a soft sigh. Well, at least it was out there rather than him keeping it buried and trying to chat her up like he thought that he was going to get a nosebleed if he wasn’t careful… because if he kept on like that he’d probably get a nosebleed from a totally different source.
When he went on to explain what it was, Elissa would immediately snort at the implication that only males pleasured themselves to porn, snickering in the background of his continued explanation. Oh Franky, darling, you know absolutely jack-shit about women. How he got a wife was a mystery to her, kind of like the fact that Goofy has a kid. As the distinctive music picked up, she would sit back and roll her eyes, waiting for the alien to get her fill, still holding onto Tommy but at this point she was pretty much convinced that this was either a dream or a truly elaborate practical joke.
And then the alien went on to ask about breasts and flashed them all hers… which were proportionately rather large. Elissa just sighed, neither fascinated nor repulsed by the display, at his point just finding it bizarre that she was going on about this to such a detailed degree. Of course, she was just about to start writing a response when suddenly Isolde launched into her tirade, jabbering on about the biology of it: biology being the only subject she was in danger of flunking in school. To her it sounded like Isolde was speaking Latin. After a brief blinking, then looking back to the alien, then to her… weirdly fluffy scaled tatas, she continued her message. ~In short, they’re probably similar. Some women have very large breasts, others barely have any at all. From what I understand, men vary on which they like, though in general yes they’re quite important.~ At that point she would look over to Tommy and sign to him with a sheepish smile, (Mine aren’t too small for ya, are they?)
Razorbackwriter: It’s a strange thing how the women reacted to the alien fluffy princess exposing her breasts. Isolde went right in and explained the biological differences, the ins and outs of anatomy of that part of the body – with a lot of big words that were taken straight out of a text book. Isolde was a scientist after all, and so her reaction was to be expected. Right? Okay, so then we move to Elissa, who simply sighed. Would this mean she was going to need a dozen or so post it notes to convey her feelings about the female breast, and the differences like Isolde had done? Not really. she kept it pretty much neat and tidy. Summarizing the fact that some women had large breasts and others had smaller ones.
As to the men’s reactions. Well, its not every day that a female, alien or not – flashes their breasts so willingly. In New Orleans women do it for beads, in the strip clubs they do it for money. But this weird and curious alien just happily raised up her frock and….TAH DAH!
Frank started clapping. Rocking back and forth with a big cheesy grin on his face.
Tommy….well, he was caught between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand he had Elissa asking if her breasts weren’t too small for him. Then on the other…A great big fluffy…scaly set of enormous knockers that were almost able to poke his eye out. He didn’t know whether to run…or…fap…or…hold up a score card.
He blinked as a small trail of blood came out of his left nostril.
“Oh…yours are just perfect, hun.”
The Gruen Transfers; “The Pitch” asks two ad agencies go head to head to win a Gruen trophy. In this clip they try to convince Australians that we need to start a war with New Zealand. But how do you convince the Australian public to rally behind the idea? It’s easier than you might think. Totally tongue in cheek, and no offence to my Kiwi readers…(lol), the two ad agencies do a smash up job of promoting an Invasion.
The Australian comedy duo, the Umbilical Brothers do a puppet show…that is not for kids.
Cane toads. One of the dreaded menaces of my backyard. Can’t tell you the amount of times that I have gone to take out the trash and nearly stepped on one. This short film by David Clayton and Andrew Silke, is a comical look at just what can happen to a Cane toad.
Bet you have seen a few cheeky tradies in your time. Bent over and….hello! Well, this seems to mask the problem.
This clever ad for Carlton Draught was produced to be aired for a football Grand final, which they do every year. The song is taken from “Nessun dorma” by Paola Roncolato, though the lyrics are a little different.
At normal speed, men look really ugly.
They look much better in slow motion.
It makes me want to sing quite loud.
Now, now, I want a Carlton Draught, chips and lasagne.
Who wants my salad?
I feel I need to take another drink and then a lie down.
Where is my choir?
I need to sing
because I love Slow mo
Slow mo….SLOW MOTION!!!!!